wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
