You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
