Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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