Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
