Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
