I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
