fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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