Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize