What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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