only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
