the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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