we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
splinters make it hard to masturbate
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
