saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize