I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
