if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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