Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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