did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
