We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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