just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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