he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize