I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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