there were more penises there than on chat roulette
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
