i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
