I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize