she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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