I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
