i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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