I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
