well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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