Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
not ubering you a puppy
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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