I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
