i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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