If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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