Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
