Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Randomize
