My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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