bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
