my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
