his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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