With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
