that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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