he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize