I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
