Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
