News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I need a burrito and a hug.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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