I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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