fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
