Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Randomize
