so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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