my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I had to cum in my sink.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
