Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
