Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
