Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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